The Battle Is Not Ours

Over the past two months, I know some of you have wondered where I have been. I would like to take the time to apologize first for my absence. I unfortunately had a "dark" period and I just did not feel like I could write and tell people to keep pushing forward, when I myself did not even have it in me to push forward. I will admit, my faith wavered a lot in these past few months.

When I first started my blog, I said I would always be open and honest, because I felt by allowing myself to be transparent in my journey both good and bad, I would be pleasing God, because my trials and tests could be the key to triumphs and testimonies for others.

Lately, there have been so many stories both in and out of the media of depression and suicide. The enemy is really busy people. He really does want to steal every ounce of joy that we have. I believe the reason he is so successful is because depression is a disease that people often suffer through alone and ashamed until it gets to a point where they feel the only way out is to remove themselves from this world. I want to take the time to let you know that it's OK and that you don't have to suffer alone. None of us do.

Well what do you know about it, some of you may be thinking. I've been there and I know it's a struggle. Everyday is a struggle, but you don't have to succumb to the struggle, you can come out on top! We all can!

I have battled depression and suicidal thoughts for many years. There was a time when I felt that I had finally conquered it, but when you allow yourself to become vulnerable to the tricks of the enemy, it does make it easier to fall back into the same traps.

In 1998, when I was 18 years old, I was a victim to sexual assault that left me hurt, confused, and also pregnant. I had moved out with my sister because I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and when I wanted to do it, without anyone telling me what to do. It was the most horrific experience I have ever had in my life. I kept it from many people for years because I was so ashamed. I felt it was my fault and I brought it on myself. I didn't know who to turn to. I didn't want the baby. I was afraid that I would never be able to love him/her the way they would deserve. Abortion was my first thought, but all I could think about was how upset everyone would be with me if they ever found out and how it was against everything I was brought up to believe. But I also knew I didn't want to continue with the pregnancy. However, a few days later after finding out I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I blamed myself for the loss of that child. I felt that I had caused the miscarriage because I wished for it. It was the most difficult time of my life, and I was dealing with it all alone. About a month later, I moved back home with my dad. I was severely depressed and I knew it. Instead of dealing with it, I dropped out of college and went to work, never dealing with any of the emotions and pain that built up. I did, however, begin to alienate myself from friends. The romantic relationship I was in ended because I could not tell anyone what happened.

Eventually, I met and married my husband and we had a daughter. After giving birth to my daughter, I suffered from postpartum depression. I often thought of ending my life and ending her life because I felt I would be sparing her from the turmoil that was this life. My husband and I decided that I wouldn't go back to work, so my life soon revolved around my daughter and my husband. Everyday for me was a struggle to get up, to take care of my responsibilities. It was a struggle just to be me.

For five long years, I lived in constant fear. Fear of everything. I became a professional at fake smiling. I spent as much time around family as I could, because I was afraid to be alone with my thoughts. When my daughter started school in 2009, I was left alone daily. It was then, that the enemy pounced. One night, I finally lost it. I'm not sure what exactly pushed me over the edge, but I do remember it being very minor but in my mind it was huge! It was a Wednesday night and I just began to cry hysterically. I begged my husband to have me committed because I was crazy and I could not continue on in life. I remember him just holding me not really knowing what to do or say. He finally called my dad, who happened to be at Wednesday night service. He got on the phone and both he and the congregation began to pray for me. For the first time in ten years, I began to feel relief. I felt the weight that had bared down on me for so many years began to lighten. I was able to finally face my past. I began to read my Bible more and pray. I began to develop a relationship with Christ like I had never had before. I was able to forgive those in my past who hurt me and even though I may never be able to face my assailant, I was even able to forgive him. That I consider the biggest breakthrough I have had in my life's journey.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Unfortunately, that was not the end of my struggle. In 2011, I gave birth to my second child and I couldn't be happier. I spent the next two years, involved in church, strengthening my marriage, and even did some rape crisis volunteering that was very rewarding. I was basically enjoying life again. However, somewhere along the way, I got so busy with everyday life that my spiritual life began to get neglected.

Of course, we know when you are not recharging your spirit daily, it makes you weak in battle. The enemy knew my weakness and he began to work at using it against me once again.

I began this journey in March of this year and it has certainly been anything but smooth. However, focusing on The Word and staying faithful helped me to stay sane. However, at the end of June, I began to lose hope. I felt alone. Like no one could truly understand what I was going through. I felt like I was a burden on my husband and children. On several occasions, my husband would find me crying in both physical and mental pain. I contemplated taking my own life. Not just to rid myself of the misery I was in, but to also rid my family of the misery I was putting them in. In my mind, I truly felt like I would be doing them a favor if I were no longer here.

Although, I felt down and ready to give up, because that foundation was there, I was able to call on the ultimate Savior, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

You know life is so full of ups and downs, and when you embark on a new journey that is normally out of your comfort zone, you are bound to face more downs than ups. We are all human, and we all have struggles at some point in life. I sometimes feel like mine should be fewer because my life has become available to the public by way of my blog. I feel that if I am trying to give others advice on pushing forward to your purpose, I should have it all together. Right? Wrong.

I am human. I have struggles that are really real. I wrote this particular blog because the subject of depression and suicide has come up so much lately in my life. I lost a family member to suicide this past December, and it definitely had a profound affect on the way I handled my "downs" this past two months. I love my family, I love my life, and I am learning that it doesn't always have to be perfect. I learned a lot about the people I surround myself with. I have to be around people who are positive. People who are going to encourage me and not make me feel bad because I miss a few events or who don't try to understand my situation. Those types of people only added to my depression, and it's not their fault, I allowed it. But I have learned that's it's OK to walk away from these people. The more I surround myself with positive and Godly people the more I began to be pulled from the darkness that had become my thinking and my everyday life.

It's so awesome that we can all serve a God that will never leave or forsake us. During my darkest moments, the Holy Spirit never left my side. It was the Holy Spirit that helped me to see that my problems were not as big as my God. I really took comfort in that, and I still do today. It's not easy, I still suffer nearly everyday with pain and discomfort, but with each new day, I learn to be thankful for the things that are great in my life. I have a husband and children who love me so much. I have a Christian support system that I know pray for me on a daily basis and check in with me often. And most of all, I have a God that is bigger than any problem(s) I may face now or in the future.

My sister recently told me the story of the three men in the furnace. She reminded me that the enemy can and will fashion weapons to use against you. However, we have to believe what the Word tells us, "no weapon formed against us shall prosper." The three men in the furnace remembered this and were able to come out of the furnace unscathed. It brings me great joy that the same God who covered them in the furnace is the same God that I serve!

So no matter what you are facing in life, know that you are not alone. Ending your life is never the answer. There is help. If you need to see someone, I encourage it. I also, however, encourage you to seek Christian counseling as well. A secular counselor can aide in what is broken physically, but you also have to fix what is broken spiritually in order to see real growth.

I am learning, life is a series of "ups", but you have to come down to bounce back higher.

So don't look at your situation as the end...change your perspective. It's a chance. If you woke up this morning, it's God's way of showing you, that your journey is not over. So trust in the journey He has set before you. We don't always know where it may end, but we do know He only has the best in store for His children!

If you are suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, please feel free to email me or comment and I will be praying for you. You are not alone.

I thank you for reading and be blessed.

:) Audry